If You Love Dogs (but Hate Cats), You’re the Actual Worst

Photo credit: Khadija Horton – Getty Images

You know who is truly having a moment right now? Cancel culture! She just really is THAT GIRL. But as much as she’s done for us in the name of accountability, I’ve gotta say that CC missed a major opportunity with one demo in particular: dog people.

Before you sic Fluffy on me, hear me out. No dogs will be harmed in this long overdue read. Nor am I coming for the folks with emotional support or service dogs. And people who love dogs but also have love for felines? Y’all are good too. I’m just here to drag dog owners who hate cats for being the total raging narcissists they are.

First of all, anyone who ~exclusively~ loves dogs lowkey just wants a furry lil zealot—no, wait, a cultist! Let’s look at the facts, shall we? Imagine a dog owner heading out to do human stuff, leaving Spot at home. Chances are Spot’s gonna be stressed TF out, barking, howling, scratching, whining, doomscrolling, until said human steps right back into the house. As soon as that door cracks open, Spot is ready and waiting to love up on his owner like he wasn’t just abandoned for, I don’t know, 30 minutes. Does that not seem even just a teensy bit egotistical to you? Dog people are only checking for a pet who’d be completely helpless without them, and that’s why they should never be trusted to care for an animal, let alone drive cars, use the internet, or run for office.

And the self-obsession doesn’t stop at the “welcome home” mat! Nooo, these monsters (1) have the nerve to use leashes on their so-called furbabies and (2) have no shame plucking fresh, hot poop off the ground. Now, why would someone willingly do that? Don’t even get me started on y’all who leave the turds there for us innocent bystanders.

If you ask a dog person why they don’t like cats, they’ll probably say something along the lines of “A cAt AtTaCKed mE oNCe” or ”i JUst Don’t LIkE tHeM” or, my favorite, “i’M ALLerGic,” but rest assured that none of this is true. Dog people simply don’t like cats because cats don’t need them! Cats can bathe themselves, go outside unattended, and even bury their own poop, and dog lovers hate on them because these creatures don’t feed into their unrelenting God complexes. Can you say self-obsessed much!?

Okay, sure, dog people also love dogs cuz of the whole soft, friendly, cuddly, ride-or-die schtick, but your same furry bestie will be loyal to pretty much anyone who feeds them on the daily and showers them with “good boy” and “good girl” every now and then. Yeah, all that is sweet at first, but is it called being sweet or just having zero standards? For dogs, the bar is quite literally the floor.

TL;DR: Dog owners, I’m side-eyeing y’all. For all I know, you could be a psychopath who also just happens to feed their precious pet twice a day! Then agaiiiin, even though y’all clearly got some things to be worked out, I do think that there’s hope for you yet. A great start would be unpacking those narcissistic habits and doing some serious soul searching. But until then, CC girl, come get your people.

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